Antonella, 46, empath, sacred clown, and author of “Amazon Warrior” (soon on amazon.com release November 2020), left her home Country in 2007 to follow her heart and despite of finding True Love, as all romantics dream to, she crashed into her True Self. The french City of Lights is where it all began…
Open question: while our governements are busy and distracted with immigrants and borders restrictionS and eastern warfare what do you think if we mind about what is happening right here and now, in the middle of nowhere?
At January 2015 I was hotel assistant, when Charlie Hebdo went through the rampage in Paris. It had media impact and shocked the whole world. But what happened the days after, as chronicles, kept close doors within a small audience.
And this was when and where – Dammartin en Goële eastern of Paris – the two Charlie Hebdo killers / terrorists were killed.
If you watched on Vegas rampage you get an idea of the hotel I was serving at that time.
Except the hotel I worked at was themed as American Natural Park in a Amusement park and tourist resort. And I was dressed up as californian ranger on her duty with heels and skirt.
The days before “what happened” are important for the psychological impact the media had in my thoughts. My brain was focused on rampage, assaults, fear, and I say it is almost like I attracted that event into my reality. I was You Tube binging and fake news did the rest. The fact also that my company was and still is a risk target put more pressure and we sort of expect things to happen. And they did.
On tenth january, saturday morning, the hotel reception got a call from Police to get into the hotel (1000 rooms/three thousands family guests per day), it was winter holidays, …. luggage everywhere…. I saw Security men running and heading to room floors…. the hall was crowded when a Police agent shouted “LEAVE”.
This is one of main reasons my PTSD included encreasing anxiety for people running or rushing (very common in Paris or London areas).
Panic all around. After a few seconds of suspance (enough for a “deal”…), I got back to reality and to the sh*** present moment and did what I was expected to do in those cicumstances. Took a little girl by the hand and her mother on the other hand and led them without rushing to the parking area. At the hall entrance I crossed the stare of a policeman which I will never ever forget. There were teenagers screaming insulting the Police …and filming with their phones all around. There are evidence of that moment, on Twitter, but I prefer to omit here.
Imagine how the news reached Italy first than people around. Fortunately my phone was left inside so I could not reach my family, and it was the right thing to do, as far as I don’t have children and husby. My parents would be struck without knowing or understanding what was happening. By chance, I have spent this time of wait with a couple of spanish soldiers and their daughters, looking at their holiday vacation album, I could keep my nerves.
Until the whole alert was done and we were told to go back to our task and desk.
My life changed from that moment on. It was just too quick for my brain, so my paradigm shifted faster than I could realise. Like a little voice inside telling me to accept only what was good for me from now on. No more faking. No more lies. Fuck the other people judgement (I have started shaving my hair and to be honest it does not fit me ahaha). Etc etc. The following months were insomniac, anxiety, forget about going to Paris for a stroll, for a cafe… for a concert … I have struggled with hypervigilance and other PTSD both physical and mental.
I still attracted other facts like deadly car accident, my neighbour went crazy one night, and almost killed his wife, and wounded a policeman at 1am. Two weeks after the january fact. I kinda isolated more and more. I mean, I enjoy the solitary life as artist and writer, it’s refilling, but developed stress and anger related post traumatic which deserted my relationships. Job consequences to deal with.
First of all, what I needed was a deep rest. FInding the right persons at right place at right moment. And listening to my inner voice. Spend time in nature. Looking at the clouds. Talking to dragonflies and butterflies lol
Okay, this is first part. Second for another time. The second includes November 2015 attacks which occurred when I was back from my break down in a part time job not yet aware to retire from that career once for all. My PTSD were there but I felt invisible and not understood from management and colleagues. I was just the weak ring of the chain. Beside lots of people were struggling but in silence and privately. Shame and guilt spread out and about. You can’t control your emotions in the operational job ? then, you are out. I was out. But I grasped to my truth.
After three years of “humbling” interviews and loosing all hope to get my long term contract back I finally did. My validation came when my boxes to Italy were on the go. Crazy stuff. I felt like I was stuck there or maybe that was the sign: I had some work to do with my writing, and so I did.
Do you know the feeling of being approved after long time you wait for? after years coming after all team needs because you are the one who is there but will not be there for long? once you are confirmed in your position you’d better have worked on your dreams in your days off because as for as it concerns me you don’t give a damn of becoming one of them. Your heart left in time enough to spread your wings somewhere else. But I need a job to pay the bills. So I keep my heart patient and keep it up with dreams to come true asap.
In mean time, I developed resilience skills and an everyday routine which connects me more to my deeper inner side and that’s not too bad.
What I am eager for by now is to close down my books and see where all this learning and writing will lead me. I feel my wings are ready to open wide.
Might cover the distance …. and hug you?
Antonella here x
PS; the most relevant fact on my circumstances is that in the end that was not a real terror attack. it was a fake alert. As there was many during 2015, 2016, 2017 and never ending attacks with knives with weird people coming out from nowhere at the park or in the supermarket …. I personally turned off the media news on my tools cos we get overwhelmed with that sh*** We are not prepared to this encrease of violence. We need to share more about meditation and mindfulness techniques for all not only “initiated people” or management. First responders live that everyday all the time. I can’ t imagine.
afghanistan anger anxiety awareness belonging break down burn out combat stress coping with ptsd dark night of the soul depression emotional empath empathy fear highly sensitive person homecoming hsp meditation mental health mental illness mindfulness paris attacks post traumatic stress disorders psychological ptsd PTSD AWARENESS ptsd recovery PTSD STORYTELLING resilience sebastian junger self care self discovery self love self worth shell shock social anxiety spiritual awakening stress disorders trauma tribe veterans vets war vets yoga