The following is the Foreword to my indie-published book, PTSD: My Journey of Self-Discovery and the Strange Characters I Met Along the Way, by combat veteran and best-selling author, Karl Tearney. Karl was nominated former poet-in-residence for the Military Academy of Performing Arts in London. His latest book is Second Life Fly on the Wall Press July 2018. Karl’s website can be found at: Poetry from Karl Tearney | Willow Tree Society To learn more about PTSD: My Journey of Self-Discovery…– read sample material from the book as well as reader reviews – please visit the book’s page here.
During the autumn into winter of 2015, I found myself in a Mental Health hospital in Hampshire, England. The previous year had been of intense emotion which presented itself as sobbing, but for no real reason. The intensity of my emotions grew and grew throughout that year, I inevitably forgot myself, my name, my life, and everything I had ever done. Upon release I was diagnosed with a complex version of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which bothered me as I had no real recollection of a specific traumatic incident that could have caused a decline in my mental wellbeing. I had lots of treatments, but nothing helped, in fact they often made it worse as each one that failed placed me nearer to the inevitability that they would all fail. That failing led to an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and that in turn brought about an obsession with suicide. To this day none of my family know that I attempted it and its perhaps best they don’t. For those with no real understanding of PTSD, perhaps I could briefly explain that it’s like being trapped inside your brain, that you are no longer an actual person but more a particle of broken brain matter. With that in mind I set about the impossible task of finding my old self. I searched the corners of every memory yet could never get back and so I had to adjust, to learn this new me. It’s that learning that brings about the beginnings of recovery, although, recovery is not the actual event as its more a learning of how to best manage oneself.
I had been a helicopter pilot in the military, an incredible job that I valued greatly, and I was proud. Then suddenly I find myself unable to work, becoming completely at the mercy of medication and drifting nowhere aimlessly. I had lost my life, my reason for being here, any purpose had gone, and I needed something, anything. Strangely I found writing helped, recording my thoughts and feelings, justifying my journey, and presenting who I am rather than was, really helped. I was writing poetry daily and it was incredibly helpful, cathartic as it felt like talking to a counsellor but without response nor question, my type of counselling. At the same time, I began reaching out to others, as the world is full of PTSD sufferers, and each of them are fighting like me to find something, new beginnings. None of us share a journey to diagnosis and yet we all share a journey of discovery, a finding of ourselves and how we cope. Being with those people is comforting, spiritual, and enlightening, as each has a route to managing recovery. Those unique versions of PTSD as each and every one of us are different require a variety of assistance. Having access to all that learned knowledge can help each of us replicate the way others have dealt with it, or perhaps made their lives easier to cope with. Not everything suggested will work with all of us, but it will with some and that’s the key to helping people who suffer from PTSD. Giving those people ideas but not thrusting it in their face or expecting everything to work all the time is essential as we, the sufferers know all too well. It’s the collection of those journeys, those people, their perceptions, advice, lives, and all that they have lost yet gained that is important.
The hidden yet not secret society of PTSD sufferers grows day by day as more people reach out, strive to learn, and then share. We are not self-medicating but taking control of ourselves and encouraging others that there is a reason to be here, that they are important, that they are not alone. This wonderful book brings a collection of those people together, not for fame nor fortune, but to demonstrate that the foundations of PTSD are born of humans and from all walks of life. It’s very sadly something that can happen to anyone and at any time and to highlight what it is, how it affects and how we cope is life-saving. We sufferers of PTSD are survivors but to continue surviving we must reach out and learn from one another.
Wiltshire, October 24th 2021
Karl Tearney
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